Dr. M. Burtch, M.D.1
- A Greek name meaning "beauteous" or
In Shakespeare's As You Like It she speaks
the famous soliloquy:
Friends, Romans, Countrymen!
Full fathom five
your father lies,
When in the course of human
How sharper than a serpent's tooth
This brave new world.
She walks in
beauty, like the night,
But I have miles to go
before I sleep.
- Gaelic: "conehead." Bartholomew
was the king of the Picts during the reign of Bartholomew the
Pict. Legend has it that he was turned into a stump for
opening the gods' mail.
- Matthew 1:36 speaks of "bundles of myrrh and chadwick
from far-off," a reference to the Fourteen Condiments brought
to Our Lord from Be'ersheba. Chadwick was a tree native to the
Negev Desert, similar to the olive tree but without branches, roots, or
leaves. Its fruit is said to resemble Peter Lawford.
- A king in Shakespeare's Big Mac Beth who meets
an untimely end when he is mysteriously left offstage
during the final act.
Ethelread the Unready
- Popular in the mid-sixth century, this name has fallen
out of favor in recent years.
Faust or Faustus
- This name is common in Germany; in the United States it is
usually given as Festus. Faust was a Teutonic Knight who sold
his soul to the Devil in order to hit a desperation 3-point shot
at the buzzer to win the NCAA semifinals in Utehagen in 1348.
Faust is the subject of innumerable plays, including one by
Ben Jonson called Who Wrote Hamlet? Not Me!.
- Latin for "chip" or "nacho." In the book
Little Women, Gail is an eleven year-old who forces some
foreigners to remove their body hairs from a soap cake.
- In Norse mythology, Harriet was cup-bearer to Ogthorge, King
of Sprullvanhe (the Motel of the Dead). She is confronted by
her half-brother, Nggvlld, with some bugs and is confused. In
the end, she triumphs by running a drapery pole through him while
protected by Erfgath, the Drooping Sword.
- Irene was a Greek maiden much renowned for her chaste beauty.
She was tricked into sleeping with Apollo when he disguised himself
as a tree. (?) Discovering the deception, she appealed to Zeus
to spare her from her shame. Taking pity on her, the Thunder
God transformed her into a piece of jicama. This is why oleanders
bloom in the Spring.
- "And Joshua blew on his horn, and caused the walls of
Jericho to come down." Modern archeologists and Biblical
scholars say that the Joshua of the story was actually a certified
public accountant with the Canaanites, while Jericho was almost
certainly a city in the Near East, or perhaps a length of hemp
soaked in calf fat.
- Karl von Frederich von Albert was the fourth king of the
Holy Roman Hapsburg Empire. He was a deeply religious man whose
only vices were torture and mayhem. He took the name Karl, meaning
"blotchy," after a particularly eventful party.
This is a photo of Rebecca and Luke, back when Luke
was just the size of a baby apostrophe.
- In England, the name is Ann-Margaret; in the US, this version
prevails. But the meaning is the same: "eternally pregnant."
The most famous Mary-Margaret was, no doubt, Sister Mary-Margaret
McMort, a member of the Holy Order of Blessed Punctuality. In
1839 this simple but illiterate woman witnessed a miracle when
the face of Jesus Christ appeared in a book of pornography she
"Nadine! Honey, is that you?
is that you?
Seems like every time I catch up
You up to something new"
- From a Bantu word meaning "foreskin."
- Percival was the cleanest and most hygenic of the Knights
of the Round Table. In Saxon mythology, it was he, of all the
great Knights, who was charged with making breakfast. The most
famous Percivals were probably Percy Bysshe Shelley, a poet and
husband of the bride of Frankenstein, and Percival Lowell, an
American astronomer who discovered the planet Pluto while vacationing
- Greek: quineus, a drink made from honey and dirt.
The historian Herodotus tells us that Spartan soldiers were lavished
with quineus after battle. Those who were so rewarded were called
quinai and were permitted to bathe. Our word quinine comes from
quineus, by way of the Azores.
- A Welsh name also spelled Rhys or Rees or Kwthqullmcth. Meaning
"pond-with-sauce," Reese was originally a title given
to landed gentry when they landed. A rhys was any freeman who
could prove he was not under indictment for misuse of public
This early Welsh poem mentions Rhys:
| Cb knnctl lprm frthgtht
|| By the wenching-hole at dawn
| Dmprrt vslpq cd grrctlcmsn
|| Forty crusts of men a Rhys
| ttvnchghttvn fcntl mbnw
|| Their arrows shook the solemn ground
| w cp xyzzy prt fsck
|| Making butter out of fleece
- Stirge is a very popular name for boys; a 1992 survey found
it ranked third in preference of all names nationwide. A stirge
is a small bat which attaches itself to you and sucks out your
- The name Thaddeus first appeared in a serial by Dickens entitled
Entirely Too Much Detail Attached to Forgettable Anecdotes.
Thaddeus Whistlemeyer was a "cobbler's bustleman" who
"drink'd his right pint o' shiny" and who "could
throw a bloke two masts past a water docket in winter, devil
or man." Naturally, this makes no sense at all, and it is
no wonder that Whistlemeyer winds up imitating a Frenchman, a
chicken, and a character in a novel before Dickens is through
- A Russian name meaning "she-bear." Ursala was a
fierce warrior, a leader of a tribe which inhabited the area
near present-day Volgograd. It was said that Ursala could eat
whole forests and pick her nose with both hands.
- From a Greek word meaning "lively" or "ornery."
Vivian was a character in the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta Willfully
Watching Wanda, about two spinsters who do silly things in
verse with a spatula.
- This name is very common on the Isle of Man. It means "half-bright"
and comes from the days when dairymen, called wilbres, would
shoot a cow in the udders to get its milk. Today, with modern
milking techniques, the meaning of the word has changed, and
wilbur now refers to a man with mange.
- Socrates's wife, and perhaps the most famous virago (syn.,
termagant) in history. Often confused with Xerxes, who is confused
with Cyrus, confused with Darius I, not the same as Xenophon.
Afterwards, everyone took a break for lunch.
- Mmme. Yvonne du Blushing was a dashing haute couture figure
of Gay Paree in the latter part of the 19th century, as famous
for her hourglass figure as for the wild soirees she oversaw.
Born to humble origins, she became the most sought-after denizen
of French high society. She uttered the famous words, Cezanne
le bouf n'est pas de la croix mais le bonbon dans la lectrice
ouevre et sucre ("Cezanne is a boor who should have
his ears buttered with dental creme"). Yvonne is also spelled
Evon by illiterates.
- This Hebrew name means "lover of salt." Zachariah
ranks only below Isiah in importance as an Old Testament seer.
Many people consider his psalms to be prophetic of a coming Armageddon.
Here is one example:
Though the LORD shall have covenant with the hosts,
the mighty shall be as dust unto His mouth
shall a man be like the trailing wind,
from the high unto the low,
And there shall come
Giant heat-seeking bastards to
crisp thy cities.
(c) Mateo Burtch. Please don't duplicate w/o permission. Thanks.